How to Respond to Reprimands in Church
by Hieromonk Roman (Kropotov)
One day after the Liturgy, Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh came out to preach on the ambo. After a short silence, he said, “Last night a woman came to the service with a child. She was wearing trousers and no head scarf. One of you reprimanded her. She left. I don’t know who reprimanded her, but I order this person to pray for her and for this child, until the end of his days, that the Lord save them. Because of you, she may never come to church again!” Having said this, he turned around and went into the altar. That was the whole sermon.
This case is already known to many, but the problem remains relevant, and similar situations in different churches and monasteries repeat themselves every day. As we see, not only priests but also bishops react painfully to the actions of immoderate zealots of church piety, and each for his part makes a small contribution to resolving this problem. Priests and bishops talk about this in sermons and personal conversations, in programs, on their channels and websites; abbots write announcements about the prohibition of making such comments in their churches. But things are still the same.
And it’s not even that the “zealots” don’t know that they need to “hear themselves” and keep quiet. They know this very well. The fact is that they cannot restrain themselves, or, to put it simply, they are servile to their passions. The author of this article has repeatedly witnessed such situations, and continues to. While still in the position of dean (and in a monastery this is, in fact, the second person after the abbot), more than once I had to see how some “experts” literally grab people by the hand and drag them away from the shrine with relics, because they allegedly failed to venerate it quickly enough. And the fact that the dean is standing right there and is not forbidding people to venerate, does not tell them anything at all.
People are so sick of accusation that they don’t even realize it. After all, in a secular society such behavior is a manifestation of disrespect, an indicator of a lack of elementary tact. And if we talk about spiritual life, then the question is even more acute. After all, everyone knows the power of words. With a word you can resurrect, or you can kill. The word can give wings on which a person will fly over the ocean of his problems, or it can become a concrete slab that will bury all his hopes.
One careless word can lead a person far from the Church for a long time, i.e., literally change his destiny and life, and therefore his eternal destiny. Or, on the contrary, [one word] can endear a person to the Church, lead him to Christ, and make a stranger your best friend. That is why God, for Whom word is equivalent to deed, calls us to account for every idle word.
So, what should those who were unlucky enough to become victims of Church “well-wishers” do, and how ought they behave? The most important question here is who reprimands you and how. If this is the rector of the temple or his assistant, a trusted person authorized to maintain order, then that is one situation. Here, of course, you need to listen and just be grateful for the help, especially if the remark is made tactfully and with love, according to the apostle: “Brethren! If a person fall into any sin, you who are spiritual correct him in a spirit of meekness” (Gal. 6:1). It is the same if the remark is made by representatives of a pilgrimage team, or servers in church, whose duty is to help parishioners. These people not only have credentials, but also basic theological or courses of catechetical education. They know not only what to answer to the visitor, but also how to do it so as not to offend the person.
It should be noted that in most cases clergy do not make any comments at all. Priests are unlikely to say anything to you for pants or shorts in church, lack of scarves, lighting candles during the Six Psalms, and other “violations” which are not decisive for salvation. All normal people understand perfectly well that a person simply needs time [to get used to the Church’s ways]. By definition, someone who has just started coming to church does not know, and, most importantly, does not understand what needs to be done and why. Therefore he must adapt, go to church, and in due time come to the realization of his need to fulfill external instructions. If a woman came to God in trousers, then, having begun to confess and receive communion, to consciously join in active piety, and therefore in the traditions of the Church, she herself will put on a skirt and scarf without any external incentives. But if you rudely point out this “mortal sin” to her, then she has every chance of finding refuge with Protestants who will take care of her and treat her with kindness. If a person did not plan to connect his life with the Church and came merely to light a candle, then there is no need to teach him anything. This will only speed his departure.
But what should you do if random people reprimand you? This is precisely the problem. Having become a permanent parishioner of a church (or [someone attending services at] a monastery) and having studied its traditions in general terms, a person begins not only to consider himself capable of instructing others, but also obliged to do so. What to do when meeting such “teachers”? We can take as an example the behavior of the Saviour, Who spoke when people had a desire to listen to Him (Matt. chapters 5-7, [the Sermon on the Mount]), but silently left when He was asked to leave (Matt. 8:34). Sometimes He answered directly (Matt. 26:63–64), but He could answer allegorically (Luke 7:40–43) or with a question to a question (cf. Matt. 21:24). We also see Him supporting local rules and laws (Matt. 17:24-27), but at the same time He was able to stop the riots in the temple (John 2:15) and call [others] to account for their wrongful accusations (John 18:23).
We can do the same. The simplest solution is to do what is asked of you, silently. If for example in some church (usually a monastery) you were told that over there is the men’s side of the temple, then in most cases the best solution would be to go to the other side, silently. If you have a good, complacent mood or are a non-conflictual person in life, then this option is for you. Moreover, everyone knows that coming to someone else’s monastery with your own typicon is a thankless task. We are not against observing local customs and rules, if they are pointed out to us tactfully.
But there are other situations: when a stranger, for example, does not allow you to see the icon or the relics. Here, in principle, you can also do as you were told, silently. However, you can also ask whether this person has the authority to deny you passage, much less drag you away by the hand. Freedom of movement is one of the legal rights of a country’s citizens. Restricting a person’s movement is possible only on legal grounds. Therefore, a counter-question in this situation would be quite normal: “Do you have a blessing not to let me in?” or, “Who gave you a blessing to forbid me to venerate the relics?” or, “Does the Father Superior know what you are doing?” If the person is reasonable and simply forgot himself and got carried away, then after this question he is unlikely to bother you again. But there are also festering cases when “zealots” do not even respect the recommendations of the clergy in charge. If you come across such an impudent “teacher,” then he will most likely ignore your question and begin to insist on your submission, appealing to local traditions.
Traditions are good, of course, but I should like to ask: Were you instructed to monitor their observance? Have you been given authority to drag people away from icons? To these people, your violation seems so critical that if you pass, e.g., behind the analoy with the feast icon, then either the dome of the church will immediately collapse or a nuclear war will begin. Exaggeration of secondary things and omission of the main ones (love and attentiveness to a person) is the main feature of such “zealots.” The Lord calls this “straining at a gnat and swallowing a camel” (Matt. 23:24). In this case, calmly repeat your question and wait for an answer. Most likely there will be no answer. After this, you can return to your activity from which you were torn away.
Unfortunately, after such excesses, many people are left with an unpleasant aftertaste in their souls, since most often such remarks are made rudely and disrespectfully. Here we just need to keep cool and remember that the enemy will attack us even in church, even at the communion cup. Unfortunately, he has plenty of human tools among Christians who know not what they do. Even if the “zealots” reprimand you in a calm voice, they still remain unhealed slaves to their passions. This is easily discovered if, when you refuse, they begin to get angry and offended at you. With experience (especially the experience of inner prayer), a person acquires inner peace, and stressful situations are no longer experienced so acutely. But for a neophyte, for a person who has not yet matured, who has not taken off his rose-colored glasses, any tactlessness in the temple, as was said previously, can become a discouragement throughout his life.
For the sake of objectivity, it should be noted that we ourselves are often to blame for the appearance of such “zealots.” By putting our questions to just anyone, we ourselves generate these experts and advisers. For example, wanting to venerate the relics and asking a random person standing next to you if you can do this, you thereby provoke him to respond, to [give you] some kind of permission. At another time, this person will no longer wait for the question but will come forward with his own advice, which over time will turn into instructions, and then into demands. Therefore, if you want to find out something in a church, you must always make allowances for human ambition – which is not alien to any of us – and ask not just competent, but specifically authorized people. It is best to ask a priest, deacon, or any cleric of the church (altar servers, singers, readers, etc.), or a representative of the aforementioned parish team. Finally, you can ask “at the donation box” (the person receiving the commemoration slips). After this, in response to [someone’s] remark, you can calmly say that you have a blessing to venerate the icon or relics.
The Church is a living organism. She consists not only and not primarily of saints, but of repentant sinners, i.e., people yet striving for holiness. There are plenty of difficulties on this path, and therefore no one can walk this path without stumbling. This must be taken into account when faced with such temptations. Whatever situation we happen to find ourselves in, we will approach everything with calm understanding. At the same time, internal prayer and silence of the lips will be one of the best solutions in any temptation. Over time, experience will be earned that, with God’s help, will make us impervious to any waves on this stormy sea and teach us to separate the sin from the person. After all, only by separating the sin from the person will we learn to bear the burdens of our neighbor and be able not only to accept a person as he is, but also help correct someone who has temporarily fallen into the devil’s snares.
English translation: Elena Larina, Hieromonk Aidan (Keller)
Original article published Jan. 26, 2024, here: https://pravoslavie.ru/158365.html